The reality is that we, parents, are human. No matter how experienced or educated we are as a parent, mistakes are inevitable. The common adage “There’s no such thing as a perfect parent,” doesn’t even do it justice. The fact is that we are miles and MILES away from the nearest road that leads to perfection. This is a hard reality, but most of us have come to accept it. However, what makes this reality even more troubling is that we know that our kids know. THEY ARE ON TO US!
Since our kids already know about our imperfections, we might as well quit pretending that we are beyond reproach. We need to give our kids permission to respectfully correct us when we do something out of line in our parenting endeavors. When we do this we are teaching our children some valuable lessons for life.
First, we are modeling for them how to handle criticism. There is an opportunity here for us to show our kids how someone should appropriately respond to criticism or admonishment. We do so by acknowledging the wrong-doing, apologizing, and thanking them for respectfully bringing it to your attention.
Secondly, we are giving them permission to speak up when their rights as a human being have been violated. I believe that nothing gives us the right to mistreat another person. We all should have a general respect for others simply because they are human beings. As parents, we often don’t realize that when we scream/yell at our children, make empty threats, or even emotionally checkout/disconnect, we are violating that general principle of how we should treat others. It is mistreatment plain and simple... and we ALL fall prey to it from time to time.
Next, we teach them about respect. If we want our kids to respect us and others around them, then we must first show them respect. This is one of many ways we can do just that. In John 13, when Jesus lowered himself to his disciples by taking on a servant role in washing their feet, I believe the disciples walked away with a different and deeper level of respect for Jesus. Jesus not only demonstrated love, he demonstrated respect. We should also find ways to demonstrate respect to our children.
Lastly, we are validating their existence. Many kids grow up in homes where their voices aren’t heard. Some are even disciplined or punished for the mere attempt to be heard. In this type of environment, our children grow up feeling lesser than, or even, invisible. By allowing them to correct us, and acknowledging our parental short-comings, we are giving visibility to their voice. In other words, we are sending them the message that they matter. This will help build self-confidence, self-worth, and overall independence in our children.
Practicing What I Am Preaching
Allow me to close by telling you a story about a time that I had to practice what I am preaching. It was a very humbling experience nonetheless. My kids and I have a pretty regular morning routine – wake up, eat breakfast, play, get dressed, brush teeth, load up to go to school. Well, as goes with most families, we sometimes find ourselves rushed. This particular morning was one of those mornings. I managed to get both boys dressed and ready to head out the door, when my youngest boy, Liam (2.5 years old at that time) said he needed to go potty. I, annoyingly, said, “Okay, buddy. Go.” He heads toward the bathroom and gets distracted by a toy dinosaur on the counter. He then forgets he had to pee and begins playing with the toy T-Rex. When I catch him doing this, I startled him by yelling, “Liam! Go to the bathroom!” He immediately proceeds to the bathroom. After a minute or two, I decide to check on him. I see a precious but heartbreaking site. He is sitting on the pot with tears in his eyes. At that point I knew what I had done and my heart sank. I gently walked up to him and sat across from him on the tub and said, “Liam, Daddy upset you when he yelled, didn’t he?” Liam replied in a very matter of fact way (not disrespectfully), “Daddy, if you yell at me then I will yell at you.” It struck me in that moment that HE was teaching ME a lesson. He was telling me that I am his model for good behavior; thus, he is going to dish out to me what I dish out to him; and in this situation, I wasn’t being very kind or respectful to him at all. So, after we exit the bathroom, I sit both of my boys down and say, “Boys, you know sometimes how you get in trouble for talking ugly to Mama or Daddy?” At which they both nodded their heads in the affirmative. I proceeded, “Well, it is never okay for Mama or Daddy to yell at you either.” I especially had my five year old’s attention at this point. I continued, “If Mama or Daddy ever yell at you, you can calmly say to us, ‘Mama/Daddy, please don’t yell at me.” At this point, my five year old, Casen, gets a huge grin on his face, probably because he can’t wait to put this new plan into action. But, it wasn’t until several months later that Casen tested me out. I was getting him ready for bed and he wasn’t cooperating very well (big shocker, I know). I yelled “Casen!” He was startled and then very respectfully said to me, “Daddy, you aren’t supposed to yell.” Boy was I humbled! I immediately apologized for my bad and immature behavior…. and he wasn’t going to let me forget either. The next morning in the car on the way to school, he reminded me about the night I yelled at him as if it had happened long ago in the past. I said, “Yes, Case. I remember; and I was wrong.”
Many of you may struggle with this concept, but I firmly believe in its value to our children. In my practice as a marriage and family counselor, I am constantly reminding parents of the importance of leading through vulnerability. Giving your child permission to correct you is a good place to start.
Good luck in your parental journey. As always your thoughts and opinions are welcomed.
If you enjoyed this article on parenting, then, you may be interested in bringing my seminar, The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting, to your community. Feel free to contact me if that is of interest to you or someone you know.
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